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Many parents come to STEP groups looking for the “discipline spray.” This tool, when properly applied, solves every discipline challenge. I’ve only half-kidded parents that when the FDA approves this substance, I will make sure we include it with every Parent’s Handbook!

Discipline is the number one concern of most parents. If this is the biggest concern, STEP should address it in the first chapter, right?

Yes and No.

No – the first chapter of the book is not discipline-focused. In STEP and Teen, the first chapter teaches the goals of misbehavior. Early Childhood STEP chapter one discusses the challenges when raising a young child – temperament, differences in development, the power of expectations. EC STEP moves to purposes of behavior in the second chapter.

Yes – If you know the purpose of the misbehavior, you can begin to discipline. We’ve designed STEP specifically to “avoid” discipline at the start. If we want to solve discipline challenges, we want to have strong tools to solve the concerns. Understanding “why” the child or teen misbehaves is an excellent start to correcting misbehavior.

Look for choices as one of the first tools of effective parental discipline.

Choices are the Answer

Let’s look at a typical discipline challenge. Parent A wants child B to do a specific chore. B refuses. Now what?

1. What is the purpose of the behavior? Is it power, revenge?
2. How can we use choices as the key to effective discipline?

Most parents attempt a “verbal persuasion” along the lines of “NO” or “No, because I say so!” This is often not effective, and children will usually protest or ask the inviting question, “Why?”

Recognize that choices begin with the parent – not the child. Mom can choose to not respond to the “Why?” invitation. Many parents do not see a choice in their response to the misbehavior. As STEP leaders, when we teach parents about choices, a new road toward effective discipline is opened.

I’ll discuss more about discipline and choices in the next newsletter. In the meantime, when you get questions about discipline, think choices!

Parent Educators: Permission is granted to reproduce this article for parents.

STEP Parents

STEP parents know the value of using I-messages in communicating with their children. The I-message focuses on the parent instead of the child. It doesn't label or blame. When you use an I-message, you are simply describing how you feel about a particular behavior or problem situation. Hearing respectful words not only encourages positive behavior, but also teaches the child a valuable lesson in relating to others.

Parent Educators

Parent educators will find I-messages to be an effective resource for their parent education groups as well. For example, the leadership skills of universalizing and redirecting allow parents to learn from each other ways to behave with their own children. In one group, a parent said to another, “When I hear how you handled your child's power struggle, I felt encouraged because it was hard for me to not fight with my own child, too!”

Here are some important tips to keep in mind when teaching I-messages in your STEP programs:

• I-messages should be preceded by reflective listening. Combine both to create the “two way street” of effective communication.
• I-messages should never be used in anger, or with the expectation of “immediate compliance” from the child or teen.
• Angry I-messages usually become you-messages, even if they use the recommended I-message format. Tone of voice and non-verbals are essential.

Try to find effective ways to incorporate I-messages into your parent groups. The summary statement, “I learned” (recommended in the STEP Leader's Resource Guide) is one kind of I-message. It allows parents to share their point of view for everyone's consideration and benefit.

I-messages are valuable and often overlooked forms of communication between parents, children, teens, and parent educators.

This month's idea comes from Janis Hughes, a Remedial Services Provider with Healthy Homes Family Services, Inc. located in Avoca, Iowa. Janis' favorite STEP idea is about toy clean-up.

Here is an idea from Lynda who works in a preschool that uses Early Childhood STEP with parents. She also notes that “I use it with my children, too” – something we hear often.

Getting into the habit of family meetings takes time. Making the meetings work takes effort. Here are some ideas to help you.

Meet at a regular time. A regular time might be once a week. Plan to have the meeting last from twenty minutes to an hour.

Make a list of topics. Some people call this list of topics an agenda. Post it on the refrigerator. Then people can add to it during the days before the meeting. This helps you deal with the things that are important to each person in the family.

Plan the time. At first, you will need to be in charge of this. Look at the meeting list. Decide how much time makes sense for each item on the list. Stick to the time limits.

Take turns being the leader. The leader reads the meeting list and keeps things on track. Still, letting each person in the family have a chance to lead is important. Younger children will need help to do this. That's okay.

Take notes. Write down the agreements and plans made in the meeting. These written notes are the minutes. Take turns doing the job of note-taking. Find a place to post the notes so everyone can read them. Some families put them on the refrigerator near the next meeting's agenda. Ask teens and older children to read the notes to younger children who don't read yet.

Let everyone take part. When talking about something on the list, let the young people in the family speak first. This helps them feel responsible.

• If someone hasn't talked, ask, “What do you think?”
• If someone talks too much, stay respectful. You could say, “It sounds like this is important to you. We need to hear how everybody else feels about it.”
• If someone is not showing respect, use an I-message: “When I hear name-calling, I get concerned that we won't be able to cooperate.”

Limit complaining. Lots of complaining can turn meetings into gripe sessions. This won't solve problems. It won't help families enjoy each other. If complaining is a problem, ask, “What can we do about it? How can we solve the problem?” Remember to listen for feelings and to share yours. When problems arise, explore alternatives.

Cooperate to choose chores. To start, you might want to volunteer for a chore no one likes. You might say: “I'll clean the cat box or the bathroom. Which should I do?” As time goes on, expect others to do some of the unpleasant chores too. Some families take turns doing different chores. Others use a job jar.

Do what you agree to do. Stick to agreements until the next meeting. If people want to change the agreement, they can do it then. Children, teenagers, and parents are expected to do what they agree to do.

What if you forget and break an agreement? What if one day you don't have time to do something you agreed to? Tell your family you are sorry. Say you will work to do a better job. A teenager might sometimes forget or not have time too. No one is perfect.

If broken agreements continue, make a “work before fun” rule: Before people do fun activities, their chores need to be done. The rule applies to parents as well as teens and younger children.

Take time for fun. Meetings are a good way to solve problems and choose chores. But that's not all they are for. To add fun to meetings, talk about good things. Thank each person for some help given during the week. Ask each person to do the same. Ask people to talk about what is good for them right now. This sets a positive tone. It also teaches your children to encourage other people – and themselves.

At the meeting, plan together to do something you all enjoy. You might plan to make home-made pizzas together on Sunday night. Maybe you'll plan to watch a football game together on TV. Some families spend time having fun together right after the meeting. Respect people's busy schedules, though. Teenagers may have other plans for after the meeting.

Violence is all around us. Just turn on the TV, go to a movie, look at video games, and listen to some rock music. School shootings, drive-bys, road rage – we shake our heads in disbelief.

Certainly parents don't want their children to fall victims of violence. Furthermore, most parents don't want their children to be violent. The skills taught in the STEP programs help parents raise non-violent children. Encouragement, reflective listening, I-messages, exploring alternatives, family meetings and natural and logical consequences assist parents in raising courageous, peaceful children who can solve problems in non-violent ways.

STEP also gives ideas for children who may run into violent situations. For example, contributing author Dr. Joyce McKay tells parents how to help their children deal with bullies, gangs, and drugs. The programs also discuss what to do about violent media.

How STEP Skills Help Parents Raise Non-Violent Children

Encouragement: Parents learn how to build children's self-esteem. Self-esteem is more than feeling good about oneself – certainly a goal we want for our children. It also involves esteeming others or “people-esteem.” Children who have true high self-esteem possess mutual respect. They value both themselves and others.

When parents accept children as they are, not as they could be, and build on their children's strengths instead of dwelling on their weaknesses, they help their children value themselves. When they encourage cooperation and helping others, they teach their children to value other people.

Communication: Reflective listening helps parents communicate their understanding of children's feelings. When children are angry, for instance, reflective listening can help diffuse the anger. I-messages help parents communicate their feelings to their children in respectful ways. The skills of reflective listening and I-messages show children ways to understand the feelings of others and to respectfully communicate their feelings. Expressing feelings through respectful communication is an alternative to acting out negative feelings.

There are times when reflective listening and I-messages are not enough to settle a disagreement. When parents learn to use the process of exploring alternatives, they help their children see how to respectfully listen and share feelings and opinions and reach agreement.

Family meetings help prevent many misunderstandings and problems. When children feel they are part of the planning of what happens in the family, they are more committed to follow through. The family meeting is a training ground for cooperation.

Natural and Logical Consequences: Discipline is a big concern to parents. They have learned to reward and punish children to try to stimulate cooperation. But rewards only teach children to get, and punishment teaches them to resent. The resentment often leads to revenge.

It is estimated that 97 percent of parents have used physical punishment at one time or another. Parents don't realize that such punishments teach children violent ways of settling conflicts. Most parents hit because they don't know what else to do.

Natural and logical consequences give parents alternatives to reward and punishment. With natural consequences, the child learns by the natural result of an action. A child who ventures outside on a cold day without a coat gets cold. The child can learn from the natural result of this decision. The parent doesn't need to interfere. But some natural consequences are dangerous, or many discipline issues aren't covered by natural consequences. In these cases, logical consequences can be designed. A logical consequence is simply the logical result of a decision. A child who decides to spend her allowance in one day does not receive more money until the next allowance day. It's her decision and the parent trusts her to learn from the result. Logical consequences are applied in a respectful way. They are not a substitute for punishment, but an alternative to punishment. Many logical consequences can be designed in advance and with the help of the child – particularly with older children and teens. “What do you think should happen in this situation?”

Parents who participate in a STEP group have the opportunity to learn non-violent approaches to child rearing. In turn, these approaches show children non-violent ways to interact with others. The goal of STEP is to help parents raise courageous, peaceful adults.

How many of us have ever been a teen? What do you recall from those years of change and challenge? How did our parents handle the changes and challenges?

Let’s understand some of the issues surrounding teen discipline. Teens are in a “neverland” – not a child, not an adult. They think, however, they are adult and often act as if they are not bound by any parental constraints. Their physical attributes can become more adult-like than their thinking abilities.

The use of logical consequences and choices becomes important when disciplining teens. At all times, discipline should be a learning experience. It is often helpful to negotiate the consequences with the teen. Statements such as “What would you do if you were the parent?” or “What would be fair?” have two underlying assumptions – there is mutual respect, and this consequence is being established for a future situation.

It is, in my experience, almost impossible to create consequences at the moment the problem occurs. Tensions are too high and statements are often not well thought out.

With teens, the steps are simply:

• Identify the goal
• Decide who owns the problem
• Offer choices
• Follow through

When having trouble with consequences, consider these factors:

• Examine your attitude and maintain mutual respect
• Allow the teen to experience the consequence
• Check to see if the consequence fits the misbehavior
• Add more time to the consequence if the teen continues to misbehave

Having an open attitude does not mean being a push-over. It means expecting respect, but giving it, too. A key phrase is “I see you’ve decided to…” and stating the consequence. Another way to respond to protests is a firm “Nevertheless, you’ve decided to…”

Many parents expect a teen to never experience a consequence. This is unrealistic. For example, when curfew is missed, the choice is made. If the consequence is applied, missed curfew is in fact a learning experience. Our goal is to help teens understand and experience the “cause and effect” relationship between their decisions and what follows next. Our goal is to teach self-discipline.

Much of teen discipline is about limits outside the immediate household – speed limits on highways, curfew limits, limits on what can or cannot be consumed. It seems there is little difference between parenting a two-year-old with repetitive “don’t” and telling a teen “you can’t.”

The clearer the limits, the better. “Don’t be back late” is different from “be back by 11:30,” for example. When limits are exceeded, consequences apply. If this is applied only in a reactive, “hit and run” approach using heated words at the moments of conflict, discipline fails.

Teen discipline focuses on respect, choices, positive expectations, and firmness.

Discussion

1. What is an example of a natural consequence with a teen?
2. Identify a discipline issue and brainstorm several consequences that fit the steps discussed above.
3. What is an example of a vague or unclear consequence? A clear consequence?
4. How would you complete this sentence, “I learned…”

Permission to copy for use in the STEP Programs granted by STEP Publishers, LLC. © 2011

The first day of the New Year is always – the first day of school, not January 1st. I am an educator! Our year begins in August, when the AC is turned up and it is hard to start anything, much less a parent education group.

Parents are also starting a new school year with their children. This makes right now a great time to start a STEP group. If you want to start a group, this column is for you. It can also be a checkpoint for ongoing parent education programs.

This or similar surveys work to publicize the idea of parent education and gives you critical information about your group’s preferences. If the question of “which” program to offer is asked, you can ask parents for the age(s) of their children. This gives you an idea of the numbers and distribution of your potential audience.

We’ve previously discussed some of the publicity tools in every STEP kit:

• An introductory 8 minute video which can be played on cable TV, or duplicated and distributed to potential members. Some tech-competent person will learn how to put this on the web and steer interested parents to that website (when you do, please let me know!)
• Advertising inserts – for handouts, newspapers, or flyers. These can also be scanned to be placed on websites or inserted into emails.
• Campaign schedule – a suggested 6 week campaign, including mails/emails, deadlines for registration, and a news release is also in the kit.

A very important aspect of startup is getting commitment from the parents. We’ve found the following keys:

• Charge something, anything, for the group – if only a dollar. It’s far better than a free session. I’ve received confirmation of this concept from leaders in many different settings, including agencies who offer the class at little to no cost.
• Give discounts for early registration AND registrations of two or more at a time. Example: Class is $100; 10% off if registered by 3 weeks before first session, 10% off if two or more register at the same time. Sam and Vernette sign up together 22 days before the group, it is $80 for each of them. Money is a motivator.
• Pay attention to your survey or intuition on the type of group, timing, location. Give parents what they want.

Every child has the right to an education – of their parents. In the next message, I will focus on additional details on preparing for the first group, and the first group session.

— D.D.